The children came around for trick or treat, and all I could think of, was that the parents could have bought them a lot more candy with the amount of money they spent on dressing the kids up as little monsters. What happened to childhood, happiness, and having fun?
As I get nearer and nearer graduation, I worry more and more about my future; job availability, career advancement, graduate school applications and eligibility, funding. It's just scary. Having to grow up; having to fend for yourself.
Working overseas just look really glamorous, but in reality, it just looks really good on the CV, and not really that good on the bank account unless you don't have to pay for housing.
By the time I graduate, the people that I am really close with would have left. So I'd be really alone.
It's just 3 years of my life, and I can do it.
3 years in exchange for future advancement. 3 years in exchange for a possible eligibility into grad school. 3 years in something that I don't want to do. 3 years for a line in my CV that says 'made in London'.
It's too late to turn back now, is it?
I'm really worried.
I really wish sometimes that I am really just the bimbotic airhead I appear to be. I really wish sometimes that all I care about was really just getting a boyfriend. I really wish sometimes that all I want is really just to lose weight. I really wish sometimes that all I get angry for was what people think about me.
I'm losing my innocence and I want it back.
I'm already tired before I even start.
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I have 3 interviews lined up.
None of which I am really interested in. None of which I applied for.
A fool-proof plan; a lonely road in sight. A new way out; with no future light.
A confused mind; a need to run. I need to run away now.
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I wish I could trust enough to pray, for help, for salvation, like everyone else. I wish I could ask for help freely and believe wholeheartedly that it will come. I wish I was less cynical, about life, about religion, about hope. I wish I was like everyone else.
I think men should never date just because they are desperately in need of a girlfriend. It defeats the whole purpose of 'falling in love'.
As in, I do not agree with the concept of falling in love because you want to be in love. Falling in love should be... unexpected. I think.
So says the girl without experience. Perhaps I expected too much from love.
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Joan really hates it when people don't understand that she won't be earning as much as everyone thinks that she will be. It's just FREAKING ANNOYING when people say, 'Aiyarh you work in UK, earn so much' whatever and whatever. Or, 'you earn so much you should treat us'. Oh, and 'you're earning in pounds!'.
Excuse me, but which part of your minute brain do you not understand 30% income tax, 17.5% vat, council tax, house rent of minimum 500 quid per month, water and electricity bills, transportation fees of 4 quid a day which translates to 120 quid a month, plus the fact that I probably need to eat too? And I have to save for my Masters course, and all the tests I would probably have to take just to apply for a place.
I think the most incredibly stupid statement is still 'you earn in pounds'. Oh really? Does it seem to you that I am earning in pounds and paying for food and housing with Indonesian Rupiahs? That is such a stupid statement!!! Yes, I earn in pounds; but I spend in pounds too! Why has that not occurred to anyone???
So please. Think before you open your stupid big mouth again.
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Joan is killing the housemate.
With her flu bug.
It's a vicious cycle, really. I got sick, and passed it on to him. So now he's very sick too, so I can't get well because he is also sick and there are germs all over the place. So when I am getting better, while he is sick, it would mean that I would stop getting better and get sick again because he is sick, and vice versa.
Which means we will both carry on being sick.
But at least it's a bit more fun being sick together because we can force each other to eat medicine. Muahahahaha.
Joan has found ANOTHER hole in her winter coat! This time, it's HUGE! Seriously have no idea how to fix the hole this time. Sigh.
Plus the fact that I am having severe coughing and cold right now; plus the hole in the coat means that I wont be warm and therefore will be even more sick.
Save me. Please contribute to 'Buy Joan a Warm Coat' fund.
Joan does not understand why she always create trouble for herself.
She paid USD170 for an graduate entry exam, JUST IN CASE she gets retrenched before starting work and MAY need to do masters. Now she has to study for an upcoming exam in 2 weeks, where she has to starve because her pocket is very light now after paying for the exam AND the exam guidebook, while learning, with alacrity, multiple neologisms, which with her obtuse mind, could prove to be a rather daunting and difficult task.
Not to mention that my coat is also torn, but I can't afford to replace it; combined with the fact that it doesn't keep me warm. I am going to starve, and I am going to be cold.
Oh well, at least I am covering every possible scenarios with a way out, which was something I would never have done if it was last year, so perhaps, at least this shows that I am beginning to make plans, and on the route to truly growing up.
The markets are making me feel depressed. With more and more firms announcing write-downs of billions of dollars, and banks replying to say that they are not hiring anymore, I feel so screwed up.
I'm in danger of retrenchment before I could even start work! Apparently the bank who took over the firm I signed on with, don't hire foreigners. Am not sure if the policy will stay in the transition period, so I'm like neither here nor there.
I signed up for GRE just in case I have to make the choice of doing Masters if I lost my job before I started work. Sigh.
Typical but amusing conversation between Joan & the housematey:
Joan: 'Oh I know what to get for her birthday!' Housematey: 'It's too expensive.' Joan: 'I haven't said what yet!!!!' Housematey: 'I know.' Joan: '...'
Joan: 'When's dinner?' Housematey: 'It's only 4pm. Come back later when you're hungry.' Joan: '...' Housematey: 'Oh you're back!'
In one of my 'legally-blonde' moments, minus the blonde hair, I shall quote something from Glamour magazine: 'The average woman thinks about her body every 15minutes - that's more than the average man thinks about sex.'
Unfortunately, that is, according to my own point of view, very true. To add on, I think the average woman thinks about other girls' body in the moments that they are not thinking about their own.
Sad truth of life.
And I discovered one side of my boobs seems to be bigger than the other, because my bra fits perfectly in one side, while the other side keeps threatening to pop out and say hi to everyone.
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Joan is sick.
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I drew up a life plan the other day, after coming back from an interview, having discovered that I cannot go on like this, being questioned again and again about what I want in my life and yet, not having an answer to. I am tired of not knowing, tired of not having thought about my own future, except to hope that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has been better so far, but I haven't really had any idea what tomorrow will be like in 5 years time, or what I want it to be like.
So I wondered, and wondered.
And now, I've decided.
And no, it has nothing to do with being the chief editor of Glamour, or some other random legally-blonde magazine. Neither does it involve the word 'taitai' which everyone has stigmatised me with. Though they will be nice too! But these are less probable considering I don't plan to change industry until I have enough money, and by then I would be old, and not able to follow up. So out goes these wonderful ideas.
Fighting!
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Am really disgusted by this girl now; am entirely certain that she is using my friend by cheating his feelings. I totally abhor such girls! Sluts! I really hate it when they tell a guy they like them so that they can use them to do things for them and be nice to them.
Totally disgusting.
I also don't understand why so many of my guy friends are happy being dogs. Why? Why can't they ever see that they are being used, and the girl will never ever like them? I need to spread my cynical view of love.
Men should never listen to boybands. It makes them weak.
If only the world reversed back to the Chinese Dynasty where fat women are considered gorgeous, I would eat dimsum for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack in-between. Hurhurhurhur.
I really really wonder what makes absolutely ugly, physically and character-wise, and selfish women so desirable???
I'm beginning to think that men in general have entirely different perspective of beautiful women as compared to my perception.
I'm ranting; because every time I come across a disgusting 'friend' getting attached, I would wonder what the hell that guy see in them, or perhaps, how they didn't see through all the layers of lies and deceit.
Joan should start turning evil if she does not want to die an old maid. The world sucks; first they don't like fat girls, now they don't like nice girls.
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It is often easier to solve others' problems, than the immediate one in front of you.
Finally told off this girl who wouldn't stop whining about school that she should stop whining.
Usually I wouldn't have; I would just avoid people when they start whining if I don't want to hear it. But this time, I decided to tell her off. I didn't scold her, I was just sarcastic about it and told her if she can't deal with school, then she will never be able to deal with working life and should stay in school forever.
I don't like it that people assume that just because I have 2 days of school a week, that my life is way better than theirs and I have no stress or worries whatsoever, and would like to hear them moaning about homework and projects, which everyone else goes through.
I worry about getting a good job, I worry about my results, I worry about my family members getting a good job, I worry that my eldest sister is ruining my family's reputation, I worry that my illness will suddenly be active again, I worry that one day I will not be able to afford medical fees, I worry that I will not accomplish all the things I set out to do in life in time. I worry that I will wake up tomorrow and find myself once again, disfigured by rashes. I worry too.
I'm really sick of people moaning about the smallest things in life, repeatedly. Once, it's fine, and I understand that the stress is getting to you, and I can sympathize with you because everyone goes through that too. Twice, I can try to put up with it again. Constantly, then don't expect me to be very nice, unless you are trying to cope with school, find a job, fight against a lifelong disease at the same time, deal with having a mad sister whom you plan to disown. I don't pity you; I look down on you.
What really pissed me off was that she was playing with a friend's feelings just so that he will constantly be nice to her. I look down on girls who are like that; you like a person not just because they are nice to you, you like them because they make you happy, and you know that you make them happy, irregardless of what you do, or what they do. It's like game strategy; the Best Response is to be together, no matter what the other person thinks. If you don't want to be together, then let him go, and stop lying to him. I have absolutely no interest in that guy (too young, too childish, not knowledgeable enough), so I don't speak for anyone but him. I'm beginning to think that she is very selfish.
But I guess most girls are, and probably the main reason why I don't generally get along with other females.
IO tutor looks like a surfer boy! Minus the surfer board. Oh man! Good thing that he belongs to the rank of not-so-hot surfer boys.
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Need to start dieting! If everything goes well, ie. I can manage to get the last of very few tickets left, I shall be going home to celebrate xmas for the first time in 3 years of my Uni life! Yay!
My IO lecturer pisses me off. He posts his lecture notes like just a couple of hours BEFORE the lecture. Talk about last minute! Does he expect us to all be at home when he posts his notes up, or sitting in front of the computer the whole morning clicking refresh to see when he has finally put up his notes? Some of us actually have classes prior to his lecture; so we end up not being able to have notes in his classes.
Efficiency. Does not exist in UCL.
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Back to talking about whiny girls.
I don't understand how they expect to survive in this world if they just cry whenever they are given too much homework. Is this what they are going to do in the future, when their boss gives them too much work? That is why I don't like people complaining about the high pay in investment banking and comparing incessantly; there are some people who are actually willing to work hard, therefore the high pay. If you divided the number of hours worked by the amount of pay, we are essentially on the same hourly wage.
As I have said a long time ago, the girls who never talks about wanting to be a taitai, are always the most viciously in search and pursuance of being a taitai. The ones who talk about being a taitai all day long, are normally the ones who actually goes to work. Like yours truly, who is desperately looking for a light in the tunnel, i.e. for someone else to hire her soon.
I don't think this is very normal, but I am not quite sure. 不知道 lah, 就顺其自然吧, although 是有点儿怪怪的, but I guess, it's better not to think too much. :) 会越想越乱。
So cute right! Everyone say AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
How I wish I could also have the chance one day to say that, and trust that the other person would, and could, do it.
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War has ended.
Well, not in the way I had planned it to; but I guess whatever that ends the war, albeit not in a very distinguished way, works too.
Embarrassing. ARGH! This will not happen again! Pray someone did not see whatever happened, or I'll never be able to keep my macho image anymore!
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Joan does not like whiny girls.
I can't stand them! I really don't know why guys like girls who cry constantly over nothing. Ok, so I do cry too but I TRY not to, and when I do, I don't go around telling everyone that I just cried. Usually I hide, and try not to let anyone know. Then I'll kill whoever saw me crying so that noone will ever know. :)
It feels too much like wanting people to give you sympathy or think that you're pitiful and you need protection. It's just so drama! And, to say, 'I cried just now' to someone else, feels like you WANT people to know you cried and to mollycoddle you.
Ok maybe a part of me wishes that I could be like that, so that I could be this fragile and weak girl that everyone protects, but I have too much pride to be so, and too little respect for people who does that.
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I feel sad for a friend. It feels like he is being strung along by this girl, whom I like quite a lot too. Well, I like her when she's not complaining but once she starts complaining it can get rather annoying; I just wish she would complain about life a bit less because life has been really good to her. But the issue here is not whether or not I like her.
I don't understand why she just refuse to accept him, yet refuse to let him go. I mean, if you've already admitted to the guy that you like him, and you know he likes you since he's told you a million times, then why not just accept him? I think it's so hard to find someone who likes you AND you like him, AND he has waited for you for so long without straying. So why don't just give him a chance? And if you're never going to give him a chance, why don't you just STOP telling him that you like him? I think it's so selfish to keep telling someone you like them so that they will be nice to you, which is what she is doing to him. Everytime he is ready to let go and stops being nice to her, she will tell him that she likes him; then he will go running back to her.
Then when people ask her about that guy, she would say some crap about them. I feel so sad when people do that to my guy friends. I don't understand how nice girls can do that too.
I think I should stop feeling sorry for my guy friends and start concentrating on getting myself a guy who will be exceptionally nice to me too. Hahahahahahaha. Dang. I just can't stand the way that he's being strung along like that like a puppet.
The best part was, there was noone there to say that I am getting too fat, or I am turning into a shapeless blob, or I am more than a shapeless blob. No one to make me feel depressed about eating something so nice and spoil my appetite! =D
This is freaking hilarious. Got it off Wikipedia when I was searching on Pluto to see why it is no longer a planet, and this should teach you never to trust everything u read on the web. I swear i did not doctor the picture, except the pink ones to point out where the funny parts are.
Japanese class was so much more fun than German. Mainly, I guess, due to the fact that a few students mistook me for the teacher. =D
我觉得自己好像越来越苯。 也许是事实，也许是被别人压迫太久了而失去了信心。
Did not talk to a certain person for the third day, and the third time I've had nightmares consecutively because I can't sleep properly when I'm upset. I think we really need to have a talk, so I can ask him why I deserve to be insulted, and why he insults me so much and noone else. It's time for a talk. I really need to know why anyone would think so low about me, and not think about hurting another person like that. It's just a matter of when, and how, now.
I really am starting to hate that guy. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. Because I know once I start talking to him, he will brush this time off as another one of my moods or temper. Then it will be my fault all over again. Some time later, it will all start all over again. Yes, it is always my fault. I am always wrong. I am the one who deserves all the shit headed towards me.
Noone deserves to be insulted. Why do I deserve to be insulted?
I dont know why there are people out there who seeks to constantly make you sad.
PeeS was saying that, because me and a certain friend is too close, so I get all the insults.
Doesn't that defeat the whole point of friendship? Why would you want to be friends with someone who wants to get you down? Why would you want to be friends with people who doesn't make you proud of being who you are? Why would you want to be friends when they make you feel lousy all the the time?
Anyway, it wasn't even a JOKE, like 'haha, ya you're an insult'. It's more like, 'yes, you deserve to be insulted' in an absolute manner. I don't understand. I don't understand you. I hate it when people try to make you feel like shit about yourself. I don't understand why I, alone, deserve to be insulted. I don't even know why I deserve to be insulted.
I hate it when people try to make themselves feel better by pushing others down. I hate it when people humiliate others when they want to look like a better person than they are. I hate men with no balls, who cannot feel great about themselves without making others feel worse off.
I'm up at freaking 5am in the morning cuz I am so pissed off that I kept waking up wanting to go over and slap him and tell him he deserve to be slapped. Urgh.
I must remember, to NOT trust anymore. To NOT believe. To NOT forgive.
So easily forgotten. That is why I get pushed around, slapped about, stepped on all the time because I forget. I shall not forget this time round. I must NOT forget.
Yesterday Yvonne came over to our house to sleepover, so we were all chatting in Gerald's room. So we were talking about running, because Gerald was asking Yvonne to go and run with him the next morning. So I said, I will never run with Gerald again because he is always insulting me when I ran with him the last time (it was more like a torrent of insults all the way from the house to Russell Square). Then he said, he never insults anyone ELSE.
Like, ok....
So i asked, why does he insults me then? Why just me? Do i deserve to be insulted?
Then he said, YES, quite enthusiastically.
Wow. What a shit load of respect from one of my closest 'friends'. I really dont know how many enemies I have when I have 'friends' like that who believes I deserve to be insulted. It's time like this when you suddenly realise what people really feel about you. I have to say I am very disappointed, in myself that I have such a 'friend' and I actually consider this kind of people a good 'friend', and in him, that he is such a pathetic low-down despicable person.
I really don't know what I've done to deserve this. All the times I go out of my way to help my 'friends', and I get the branded as the person who 'deserves to be insulted'.
For this, I deserve to be insulted - for letting people insult me, for letting people look at me in this light.
You're pathetic. I wish you good luck in finding true friends because you don't treat anyone else as true friends, and may noone else discover what you really think about them.
I need more time in a day. There is so many things to do!
I need to study, exercise, prepare for interviews, sign up for driving classes, learn Japanese and everything else a person does to stay alive like cook, eat and sleep. Then there is so many things that I want to do, like read my storybooks and bake something. I really want to bake something, but just don't have the time and energy, nor the tools to do so. I'm thinking of making tiramisu and baking chocolate brownies. I am so dying for a chocolate brownie with hazelnuts on top, the ones I used to bake for the basketball team in high school where my Godma would go through with me step by step. I am so dying for it!!! ARGH! I need more time!
Or maybe a little better time management would be useful too.
Boys can be evil sometimes. I know they don't mean anything, but it is just so irritating when they call names just because people are fat.
The juniors called me 'bak kwa' today. I don't know what I've done to deserve being called this; maybe because I am too nice and friendly that they think that it doesn't matter. If that is the case, then they are right; I don't really care. But for 22 year-olds, this is the type of mentality and maturity they have. I know that I am fat, but name-calling were for the days when you need your parents to help you to tie your school shoes, and still thought girls were poisonous.
I am amazed at how, my parents are paying more than ten thousand quid a year for school fees, and I have to sit on the lecture floor because the incompetent school management doesn't understand that there needs to be more than 80 chairs in the lecture hall, if there were 120 students who signed up for it.
Is it just me, or does that need a PhD in Management to deduce?
Then, of course, is the non-existing time table which we were supposed to have. Tutorials are supposed to start next week, but we won't be able to get the timetable for our tutorials till end of next week.
Again, is it just me, or is there something wrong with the above statement?
Amazing.
UCL just keeps amazing me with their wonderful and outstanding efficiency.
One thing I love about being in London is that you get to see fireworks quite often! Apparently you can just buy and release. But I'm too broke to buy and play myself, so I'll just make do with free riding...
I am so glad I did not press the 'checkout' button last night in an attempt to utilise a 15% discount that was ending yesterday. Turns out, after that 15% discount, was a store-wide 50% sale!
Its these times when your friends are crying buckets and being depressed about their boyfriends when you feel...
... HENG ARHHHHHHHHH. I don't have such problems.
But then again, you can't help but wonder.... WHY SO STUPID?? I mean, it's the same guy and the same problem, and it's not the first time! So erm, shouldn't they have learnt it by like the third time or so? Amazing.
Buay tahan. I lost 7 pounds worth of food yesterday due to my blur-cockness. I forgot to take my grocery bag!!! What the hell!!
Am making sushi for dinner tonight. Yum! Hope it actually turns out to look like sushi. :D Hopefully Gerald and I wont have diarrhea or food poisoning tomorrow.
