I wish my greatest fear was missing having someone there, not being able to find a hot bf (heck, or even just a bf), and not getting all As in an unimportant exam.
But it's not that anymore.
SO SCARY!
But then again, can't wait for it to start because i am kind of bored of rotting at home. Think i might not be taitai material because i think there really is a limit as to how much u can sit and rot, or go shopping, or clean the kitchen, or rearrange the plates which is what i did the whole of last week.
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News of how much an MSc is in UK has added on more stress to me. KNN! Don't think Daddy can afford it, haha. SHIT. Need a job.
What if i screwed up? What if nobody likes me? What if noone wants to eat lunch with me? What if i lost a lot of money? What if i have nothing to say to my boss? What if my boss hates me? What if they realised how out of it i am? What if?
I think there is always a moment in everyone's life that they feel absolutely clueless as to where they are, and how they got there.
I think i am in one of those moments now.
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Thank you. :)
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Had chicken rice and roti pratha! The before-work-starts treat; sort of a calming comfort food you seek in face of a coming storm.
Heard that at other companies, the interns are tearing at each other. Horrendous! But i guess, such is the competition in the uk banking industry? Especially given limited number of graduate jobs, and unlimited supply of wannabes, including this absolutely ignorant and clueless person ie ME. I really hope my place is not like that and i'll meet nice people. But i doubt so.
Wish me luck my dears!
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I don't know how but some of my friends think that i really know a lot. Hahaha. That was before i came to uk. It's amazing how much you can get away with not knowing, when you have people who knows even less than you. :)
I think everybody has a deep dark secret within them that we withhold from everyone else, because we think that if the cat is out, noone would like us anymore, and everybody wants to be liked.
Or perhaps there was one little lie that you once made, that grew out of proportions and you could no longer control it and had to live your whole life holding on to that lie, fearing that it would one day leak out, like a time-bomb waiting to go off and life, as you know it, is gone.
It's sad when you know that there are so many things that you wish everyone could know about you, but am not sure if they should, or could.
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3 days to internship.
Am scared, horrified, worried, shocked, terrified, excited and a whole mixture of random feelings that i cannot possibly contain nor understand. I am going to burst!
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I got my NI number! Now i can happily be unemployed in the UK and get benefits HOHOHO. I think. Am not sure what the number is for actually, but applied for it since everyone on internship is applying for it. Hahaha.
I am a crowd follower. Damnit.
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Noone's at home!
Gerald is (still) at work, Aivy is out looking at Mummies in the Museum. I am home studying about yield curves and macaulay durations.
Can't wait for work to start so that the highlight of the day will not be just waiting for Gerald to come back and tell me exciting stories about work and the new things that he's learnt. I want to go to work too! Faster faster!
I'm missing a lot of people, yet not really missing them. It's really hard to explain; like part of you is missing, but you can't really quite piece together who you really miss, or what is it that you are really missing.
I remembered when i first came to uk, i was really, really happy. I could laugh non-stop, and i would end up in tears from the laughter. I would giggle at the silliest little joke, and make even more myself. I could talk nonsense and not worry about the after-effects. I could prance on the street singing a silly little song. My friend went through my multiply page and commented that i was dancing like a mad woman in Spain in my first year and i realised, i haven't really done that in a long time. I haven't laughed, danced, pranced like a mad woman for a long long time.
I miss stability, ignorance, unrestrained laughter. I miss my empty-headedness.
I know I must grow up now.
Goodbye.
-------------------------------- I need a piece of me back.
Do you have that piece?
It was all a big mistake.
Please give it back to me.
Please.
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And with that, i died.
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I like Penguin chocolates. :) On the back of every Penguin chocolate, there is a little joke.
'Why do seagulls fly over the sea?' Answer: Cuz if they flew over bays, they would be baygulls (bagels). :)
Not funny meh? I thought it was damn funny so i told both of my housemates, and they were both staring at me with that open-mouthed look on their face.
*pouts & stomps feet* very funny marhhhhhhh....
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Found out today that the bus to my work place takes an hour!!
Proactiveness did not worked out today because i was late for the class. :( It took way over my projected time limit to get from my house to my work place, on my trial trip to the office today, that i missed the class. :( Shit. Thank goodness the class was for free, so i didn't really lose anything except the chance to learn and be really proactive for once.
On the bright side, found a lot of nice place to eat around my work place; which technically is also a bad thing. Heard the CURRIES there are damn nice. Shit.
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Gerald is putting stress on me.
o.O
Everyday when he comes home from work, he will say 'JOAN! GOT STUDY OR NOT!' Think my father also never give me so much stress!
Speaking of which, i wish he did. Sometimes i think that my Dad gives us so little pressure, that there really isn't a push for us to excel. I was quite disappointed with my ABBBB results and i told my dad, and he actually thought i did quite well, rather than reprimand me for my laziness over the year and whatsoever. Then when i was whining to him that i needed a job, he would tell me that i don't need to look for a job and take my time. When i was telling him a year ago that i wanted to do an internship this year in the UK, he said to go back home or go travelling and have fun and not to worry about getting a job. Last year when i took a summer job so that i would have something to write in my CV, he kept asking me to quit because of how unhappy i was at my summer job.
Sometimes i wish that he could understand that doting us to that extent of spoiling us is not doing us any good at all. Like, take a look at my useless eldest sister. If she fails her exams, my dad will just blame it on his own stupid genes and ask her to work harder, though not very forcefully. He just never learn that sometimes u need to let us learn to fly by ourselves, rather than put all these protection around us, fearing that we can't stand the fall.
The last time i remembered my Dad being angry with me was when i was around 5 or so. Can you imagine that? It's either i am an angel, which i know everyone knows that i am not haha, or that he just cant bear to punish us.
I really wish he could give us some useful advice, and if that fails, give us a good scolding, like what somebody does to me all day long - which is why i don't really mind being bullied or nagged by Gerald because i know at the end of the day, it's for my own good. Wish it was my parents doing that instead though.
Feels like exam period all over again. Was locked in room whole day to study for upcoming internship; realised that there really is a lot for me to learn and feels self is really ignorant and stupid. Needs to be smarter. But have taken baby steps to be so; signed up for workshop in school! :) Going for classes tomorrow VOLUNTARILY haha in the SCHOOL HOLIDAYS! Like, how proactive can u get? :P The next year shall be a whole year of hardwork. I can do it! :P
Baked an apple pie today; it wasn't TOO bad i think. Am going to make more pies, cakes, cookies, brownies next year and learn to cook really well. :) Shall think of something nice to cook for the rest of the week so that i can cook something before i actually start work and have to eat out everyday, especially now that Gerald has started working and i actually get to touch the pan, rather than just cutting the onions. Heehee.
Am quite bored at home though, cuz there's not really anyone to talk to. Only Gerald's friend, Aivy who is ok to talk with but sometimes there are moments of awkward silence where i will stare at the ceiling hoping something will come into my mind to ask, but she's a very nice person and you get funny secrets of Gerald hurhur. :P
Needs to go out shopping for umbrellas tml too, because apparently company has called us to bring umbrellas and walking shoes on the first day. Wonder if we are going for a hike?? Maybe treasure hunt! :o
Joan is extremely scared. Internship is starting soon! Lunch with boss on the first day. Oh man!
Maybe should go read up on some lame jokes so that if all else fails, can make some lame jokes. If you can't make them remember u for ur intelligence (haha shit), then at least make them remember u for something right?
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Wishes i had someone to hug and calm me down.
Haha.
It's summer lah. Summer is the time for love, and i have no one. Darn.
You know, even if i didn't like my ex that much, at least he was always there whenever i needed him; actually, he was there even if i don't want him there hurhur. Miss being like that. You never learn to appreciate what you have until you don't have it anymore; and i haven't had it for a long, long time.
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Am annoyed. Some people really need to learn to grow up, and stop trying to rely on others for every little thing. Maybe that's how Gerald feels when i relied on him for the past 2 years to get around and find a job and do homework and so on and so forth. Hahaha. Realised how truly annoying it is today, when i was asked a stupid question that could be answered with a teensy effort ie click of the mouse, that could determine their future.
Will try to walk away from being like this.
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Everyone thinks that i am after guys for their money, and my first criteria for guys is how much money they have. Hahaha. Have built reputation that i am a money grabbing girl. Do i really look so shallow?
Gerald is starting his internship tml morning and now i'm so nervous because mine is next week! OHNOOHNOOHNO. My brain is still totally empty!!! How now brown cow! I need to be super smart within a week, stop being such a goondu, look a lot less blur, be a super social butterfly, know all the rates there is to know, find out what debt execution is - all in one week's time!
Thinks that Gerald's friend Aivy is very desperate to get married.
HAHAHA.
Cuz she's staying over for the month, or two, to attend a friend's wedding in London; everyday, there will definitely be a topic on marriage. Like yesterday, she was asking Gerald if we would be his bridesmaids (speaking of which, i rather be the flowergirl :D sounds cool leh). The day before was about another set of her friends getting engaged during their graduation ball. Then today, i think she saw something when we went to Borough Market and she started talking about weddings again, and according to what she said, i think i'd be the first to get married out of the 3 of us cuz i have the least number of relationships HURHURHUR.
o.O
We're only 22!
Scares me.
Think i am not ready for marriage yet. Like, very not ready. It scares me to think about getting married to a guy at 22, when i possibly don't know much about life, society, what the world is like ahead or at least have a little glimpse of it. Considering modern people have a life expectancy of 70-75, though i hope not to live until that old, that will be 50 years together with that guy! Together with so little boyfriend experience, my whole love experience will be with that one guy! Wah lao!
Although it would be quite cool to marry your first bf. Hahaha. But that's not possible anymore. :P i can still marry the first guy i kiss though. :D Hurhurhur. Whoever that might be. ARGH. It's hard to think about my friends talking about marriage, and me not having kissed anyone before. o.O
Why is everyone in the world getting attached and married, and i'm still here, unwanted? Thinks i need a makeover. Major. Makeover.
And a job, to offset the fact that nobody wants me to be their taitai. Haiz.
Morocco was way more fun than Ireland, or any of my recent adventures; i guess mainly because of how different it was to where i live. They still had short little houses that's not entirely made of cement, and every house is different unlike in UK or in SG where everything is properly planned. The roads are a mystery; you never know where you are going because there is not much road signs, and the maps are not well developed; not that i can read them anywayz. It was like walking into 'Aladdin' with its buzzing markets and people selling the lamps that the genie lived in on the streets.
Also, was mistaken the whole time as a Japanese; I had about more than 30 people greeting me 'Konichiwa' every single day and by the end of the trip, i gave up and greeted them back 'Ohaiyo' and pretended to be a Japanese. Am also glad that i went with Gerald because i didn't know that they spoke FRENCH in Morocco. Impressed with Gerald's french though, thought it was very basic only (hee like his amazing mandarin) but it turned out that he was pretty fluent! Or at least it sounded like it was fluent. I could only stand beside him and gawk while everyone tried to speak to us in French.
Then of course was the trip into Sahara Desert; or part of it, which is Zagora Desert. I like sleeping out on the Desert actually, though the ride out on the Camel was kind of painful, and definitely not the best form of transport in the world. They sort of smell, but they have such beautiful lashes! The dunes were really really gorgeous, although i might have peed on them in the night because there was no toilet around and the only way you could relieve yourself was to hide somewhere to hope that someone will not find out where you are mid-pee.
Also had a few goons along the trip. Like wearing a tee that said 'HUG ME'; a man came up to us on the streets and suddenly asked me what 'HUG ME' meant - thankfully Gerald's used to lying and immediately replied 'Oh, it means HELLO' while i stared at that man in absolute horror. Will never wear that Tee out to a place where there are too many unknown men. o.O Then there was the time that i GRABBED THE BLOODY WRONG GUY - cuz the roads are usually quite crowded in Morocco and it's super hard to get around in Morocco, i'll usually pull on Gerald's sleeves/arm just to not get lost. Then one day, i was pulling his arm again and then looked up.... AND OMG I DON'T KNOW YOU!!! o.O OMGOMGOMG! o.O And i broke a lamp in the hotel. :(
Have uploaded pics on joanchen.multiply.com. But just a little preview. :D
Getting excited on the airplane. View from the top! :D Looked kind of like out of our geography textbook, what with all the different patterns of agriculture. Unfortunately, i didn't really pay attention in class and couldn't even remember a single name for the patterns.
Meet my boyfriend! :) Oops we're having a quiet moment.. :D :D :D
The Market Place ie the Square or something. At night the whole place fills up with food stores and it seems like the whole town turns up for dinner.
Me and the oh-so-gorgeous camel. Coincidentally it also hurt to sit on it. A LOT. My groined hurt for about 2 days after that, although it was a little comical because both me and Gerald's groin hurt so it sounded like we had been naughty...
The tent that we slept in, while in the Desert. Actually we slept outside cuz it was too cold when we went to bed. And i woke up shivering like mad in the middle of the night and almost wanted to hug Gerald HAHAHA to keep warm but decided against it cuz he wouldn't be of much use anywayz given his lack of fats. Then i woke up a little while later to find myself covered with a thick blanket! :D Awwww! So nice! Hohoho. Found out that i had a thick blanket at my foot all along, which Gerald had put there before we slept just in case it got cold. Need to train self to plan ahead next time too. :)
Leaving the desert.. One of my favorite photos. :)
The place where they filmed Kingdom of Heaven. Yes, it was filmed in Africa. Hurhur. Also had The Mummy 3's site on that place; it's sort of like a production place where a lot of movies were filmed there. Apparently they keep all the sites, then charge people 30 dirhams to see unwanted production sites. -.-
Dinner Time! And Gerald with his uncombed hair, looking like he just woke up. Though he probably did... It's amazing how much he can sleep. -.- He's my pet pig number 2 now. :D
More food.. Gerald looking sad that his dinner is so much smaller than mine...
While i tuck into my huge dish...
Leaving Morocco to go back to reality, where there are no flying carpets and no Aladdin, nor Genie in a Lamp. :(
More photos on multiply. Too lazy to post everything up on me blog. :P
